The other day we were talking about the school directory. It was a tough discussion to have. You wondered why your name wasn't in the school directory. You thought it unfair that your classmates could be found in the directory but not you. I agree. It is unfair.
When you entered Kindergarden we agreed that you would be allowed to have your name and address info included in your class directory but that you would never show up in the school directory. You have forgotten the "why" to this.
It was very difficult to open up this subject again. When your mom realized she was going to lose you. Right before she tried to kill me and right before she abducted you she swore that if she ever lost you she would kill herself and take you with her. This was many years, five years now, that feel as though it was a whole lifetime ago.
But she swore and when the DCFS made me tell her where you were going to school I knew that you would forever be vulnerable while going to that school. She has never come by. As far as I know she forgot the school in her drift of illness and mad delusions. But I haven't forgotten her oath nor that somewhere in her befuddled mind is the location of where you go to school.
So we agreed to keep your name only in the class directy so that if she did show up at the school she wouldn't be able to slyly work her way into getting the address. And so the other night we revisited this again. And it broke my heart to tell you what she swore.
It breaks my heart to know that as much as I'd like to believe it was just a passing rage I still to this day know she is capable of doing just that. I read stories of messed up families and messed up lives. Often it doesn't really hit me that I am living through such a thing. But watching your eyes as I tell you that she as sworn to kill you I know that somehow we are living just such a messed up life. No parent should have to say such a thing.
Tonight we listened to Glow by the Innocence Mission for the first time since L destroyed it. I was overjoyed to hear the voice of Karen Peris again singing Speak Our Minds once again. You asked why I was so happy to hear this CD. I told you that I hadn't heard the album since L was in our lives. You said "Let me guess she destroyed it." Everything of value must be destroyed I said. You said "Well she didn't destroy you or me!" [filchyboy: Backup]