I would like to share with you my epiphany which set out for me what   
Jesus intend for me to do.
Cusillo?? what is a cursillo I asked when our friends suggested to my 
wife and I that we attend one. "It is a walk with Jesus" we were told. 
Three days where the men and women (separate weekends) spend time 
together to learn more about Jesus. After much reluctance I agreed to 
go.  The men went first. 
It was October 1992. Myself and three other males froends from our 
church gathered in the parking lot our chuch. There, we were piled into 
another parishoners van for the drive into Chicago. Inside the van there  
was food , wine and beer for us to consume on the way. 'Alright' I 
thought. So far, so good.
We arrived at Caprini Green where there is an old Catholic school which 
now serves as a retreat center for lay and clergy. We go inside and the 
first thing that happens is our picture is taken with a polaroid. There 
are lots of other men from other churches there as well. We are shown our 
barracks and we select sleeping cots, lockers and then unpack. We gather  
in the main hall for a time of fellowship and song. I am kinda nervous 
about all this, but I do love to sing.
We are then told that we wil be completely looked after. We are told to 
take our watches off. That time will be irrelevant for the next three 
days. We are told that we will gather for breakfast in the morning. That 
we will be awakened in time and to not worry. We then have a time of  
relaxing with candy, soda pop, chips and other munchies for us to enjoy. 
The next morning we are awaken by the sound of guitar music and singing. 
Men are strolling through the barracks gently urging us to awake for the 
day. Time is told by holding your hands up, palms facing each other. The 
farther apart the hands, the more time you have. 
We shower and dress and then go over to another building (dining hall) 
where these very ancient nuns have prepared our meal. To my surprise I 
see a couple of male friends from our parish there. They are serving us 
the meal and then they do the cleaning up. All we have to do is enjoy 
the  meal. 
Our first day begins. Clark, I won't go into details about what 
happened.  This might be something you have already experienced. If so,  
then you know. If not I don't wnat to spoil it should you happen to go. 
In a nutshell we have different people give talks on personal 
experiences in there lives. How they were affected. How God interacted.  
These speakers were called Roistas (sic). in our group we had three 
clergy who helped in the presentations. All I can say is that the talks 
were very moving. Most of the time there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
Interspersed were activities, bible study and fun. One activity was to 
do a 5 minute skit which included all the sacraments. I suggested to our 
group that we copy the gameshow Jeopardy and call it Blessed Jeopardy. 
We  offered such answers as " Favorite hebrew wine" I want to go to 
Miami;  or What is the last sound a groom hear's before saying 'I do" 
Thud, as he hits the floor. Anyway, one group did "This Old Church" 
which was really funny. 
After lunch on the first day we were given a rest period of about 10 
inches between palms. We went back up to out barracks. When I came to my 
bed I noticed that that was a large envelope with my name on it. All the 
other beds had similar envelopes. I opened it and inside were lots of 
other  envelopes with my name on them. Opening them revealed small gifts 
from people I had never met. The gifts are Palonca. These gifts came 
stategically throughout the the time there.
How do I explain Saturday night. I shouldn't but I feel I must share 
this with you. It was significant to what was about to happen. We had 
finished our comedic skits and were in very high spirits indeed. We were 
going to the chapel for a time of prayer. We were all given candles to 
carry in. We began singing a chant who's words fail me at the moment. It 
was something like " Jesus, Jesus. show us that you love us" We lined up 
two by two, arms around shoulders, chanting and walking toward the 
chapel. But, what was that other singing?? What are those other voices?? 
The closer to the chapel we got the louder it became. As we entered the 
chapel we could see that it was full of people. Our friends, our 
families. I can't begin to explain the emotional impact of what happened  
to us that night. The chant went on. We assembled in a row at the altar. 
Then, all still chanting, our families and friends moved to the center 
aisle, proceeded to the altar, bowed to us, and exited the chapel. When 
they had left we gathered, crying (as I am now) and a prayer was said.  I 
couldn't leave. The silence was deafening. My head was spinning. I felt 
at one with Jesus. The love was so powerful.
The next morning, Sunday, we had services and then a time for reflection  
anywhere we wished on the grounds. I chose to walk in the garden and 
explore the tombs and vaults. As I walked around admiring the twelve 
stations of the cross, a voice very clear and distinct said; "I  
want you to work with people who have AIDS. The message that I want you 
to give them is that they are loved; they are not forgotten. You are my 
messenger." The clarity of the message was unreal. I felt full. I felt  a 
oneness at that moment that has helped me ever since.
I haven't quite begun my work. I have become involved to some degree. I 
have had to prepare myself for this task. I am reading, studying and 
praying, in the midst of all of this is the most difficult time of my 
life. Admitting to myself and my wife that I am gay. Until this issue is 
resolved I can not do the work that has been set before me. I fear 
greatly.  I trust in Jesus. I do not trust in myself.